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My Summertime Fashion Public Service Announcement

Summer is back! Time for grilling, bonfires, playing at the lake and my least favorite thing: short shorts!!  I really only have two soap boxes, one being leggings, and the other short shorts.  I've already expressed my thoughts on leggings, and now is perfect timing to share my observations on the most unflattering fashion fad, the short short.

Though I have no proof, I believe the concept of short shorts was hatched in some parents' basement by pubescent males whose only reference to the actual female form came from their sister's Barbies or Candace from Phineas and Ferb.  The concept works for approximately 1% of the female population.  The problem I see comes down to basic geometry.  If I learned anything from da Vinci's (naked) Vitruvian Man sketch is that the human leg is wider at the top than it is at the knee. That is how it is supposed to be.  When one takes a line ( a short shorts hemline) and run it straight across the widest part of the leg, it is not flattering. Ever. And besides that, I just don't want to the bottom of bum cheeks anymore! 

To help young women decide if their shorts are too short, here are some helpful questions to ask oneself in front of a full length mirror.  If the answer to any of these questions is yes, remove your shorts and give them to the nearest 6 year old, because they are probably the appropriate length for her.  Are my shorts WIDER than they are LONG?  Coincidentally, this question applies to skirts also!  Do you feel the need to use Glide or vaseline to prevent a friction burn between your thighs, like runners do?  Do you feel the need to tend to your bikini area before wearing your shorts?  Do your shorts make an inverted "V" where your inner thighs meet?  However if this question doesn't apply to you because you have a "thigh gap," I concider you as mythical as Sasquatch.  I came out of the womb rocking no thigh gap and with a mid-thigh wrinkle.  Luckily I've lost the mid-thigh wrinkle... And lastly, are your pockets hanging down longer than my actual short?

I just wish young women would realize that just because something is a trend, doesn't mean it actually looks good or even works for the majority of the population.  Just take polyester leisure suits, quilted cat suits, low saggy pants worn below the butt, ruffly pirate shirts, big hair (this wasn't even good for the environment... sorry Ozone layer...) shoulder pads, and MC Hammer pants.  And I would like them to know that sometimes, more is more.  Where does fashion go from the short short, because it can't go much farther up!!

As a favor to the humanity's sight, and to prevent further seeing of things we can't unsee, I offer a bit of advice.  I swore to my friends who had also discovered this little secret that I wouldn't share, but I feel it is my duty to womankind.  The alternative to the hideous short short is called a dress or skirt.  There I said it. Now many woman are of the belief they don't "do skirts," but hear me out.  I have been in recovery from shorts for about 4 years now because I found out that maxi dresses felt like I was essentially wearing my pajamas all day!  People have this perception you are "dressed up." In reality, I roll out of bed, lift my arms up and slide on a maxi dress.  They are an extremely forgiving article of clothing.  Swollen from too many sunflower seeds? No problem.  Haven't shaved your legs in 2 weeks? Maxi dress has you covered.  A knit skirt is also your friend.  They do not have tight waist bands, they are cute and give the impression you actually made an effort into looking "put together" which you didn't. They don't wrinkle, they are light and breathable and they also stretch, for those days when one less s'more would have been a good idea the night before.  

Short shorts are marketed as sexy.  However the reality is the sight of an inner thigh friction rash, butt creases and crotch wedgies are not sexy! Fashion fads are not always our friends, are they, home perms?  I invite young women to join us lazy fashionable moms and make this summer the one of wearable pajamas dresses and skirts!